Last night began the weaning of my meds. Out of the five, three were cut into half doses: Lithium, Latuda and Trazodone. And while I like to think I’m doing this for me, maybe I’m doing it more so for him. Or maybe I’m just talking myself into believing that I’m doing it for him because I’m unsure of my decision and don’t want to be held responsible for any of a long list of things that could go wrong.
I could very quickly spiral out of control. My mood swings could increase. I could start to have hallucinations again. I could lapse back into psychotic episodes. I could start to lash out at him again. This could ruin my relationship. This could ruin me.
But I need to know if I can do this. Not just for me, or for him. I need to know if we’ll be able to start a family. These medications are not safe to take during pregnancy. I have to learn how to cope, how to live without them. But how do you even being to start again after nine long years? I don’t even know who I am anymore. What is me? And what part is simply the chemicals working in my brain?
Chaotic Confessions 